Listening to the Music

Sometimes I joke that my iPod is prophetic. It seems to just get me. This is remarkable because I generally leave it on the main library and have it shuffle through songs. I don't interact with it much more than to press play and pause, but for whatever reason, it seems to go through themes that resonate with my mood. Say what you will about projection. I'm going to stick with my theory. It's more fun.

With my main iPod out of commission I've had to listen to the radio more. This process involves scanning between certain stations. I listen to the music regardless of what it is. When I hear talking I move on. I generally don't select out for songs I find distasteful. Despite this mostly random procedure, I'm beginning to notice that my radio also seems to be picking up on my mood and reflecting it back. (Yes I know what projecting is. Now stop harping on it, and use your imagination with me).

I'm starting to feel that, on some cosmic level, a message is being communicated to me through random music sources. For instance last Thursday, on my drive home from class, the first station played Somebody That I Used To Know. I rocked out in my proper style. When it was over a commercial forced me to change stations. I was pleasantly surprised to hear I Got You Babe playing on the next one. It was an unexpected experience amplified by the sense of calm that came over me. My message was immediately clear:

You're on the right track.

For obvious reasons, both songs made me think of my love life. Specifically, I thought of my recent decision to take a dating hiatus. This may seem like peculiar timing given the upcoming romantic holiday. Who knows? Maybe I'll give up. I do waver occasionally, but mostly I'm pretty good with it. After all, I just don't have the energy to put into it right now

So much of my world is caught up in self-awareness and analysis, and now more so than ever. School has me focusing on my social interactions, refining my methods of communicating, and developing my professional persona. In the meantime it's all I can do to hang on to myself. Don't worry, I'm okay with it. It's a necessary step, and I acknowledge that. However, it means that I have countless roles and versions of myself to maintain. This just seems like too many Mindys. Plus they all require upkeep or personal growth. It's a lot of work, and it's a lot of feeling discouraged by my incremental improvements. It's overwhelming, and coping with it is difficult. All I can think to do is put one of me on the back burner for a while. Dating Mindy made the most sense.

I'm not really getting anywhere in the dating realm anyhow. This lack of progress can be rather defeating. It's difficult to focus my energy on putting the most attractive version of myself out there only to have it fall flat. It's so easy to interpret that as feeling like I'm not worthy or appealing, and I know this isn't true. That's why I've decided to stop doing it for now. If someone comes along to pursue me that's fine. I'll be receptive to it. However, I'm not going to try anymore. Right now I'm going to work on me.

After all, the radio has a point: For the time being, that guy I had been searching for is a thing of the past. He's somebody I used to know. What matters now is that I've got me, babe.