Bookmarked and Waiting for the Next Chapter

Location: Bedroom
Mood: Benign

I think a lot about relationships in all their various forms. This often starts with me pondering the various intricacies that make up a particular connection in my life, be it a bond between myself and a family member, an interaction with an acquaintance, or the dynamic I have developed with a client. Recently, these pondering have routinely turned to one of two subjects:

My romantic relationships, or my relationship with myself.

Lately, I find that one begets another. It seems that I've reached some kind of interpersonal stalemate.  I have been single for the last two years, and this time has been incredibly valuable to me. It seems weird to say so, but I had no idea how much I didn't know about myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying that any of my previous relationships have kept me from learning about myself. However, they've definitely served as a distraction from me and my own world.

I think that everything about me is somewhat contradictory. For example, I'm pretty neurotic, and relatively insecure. In contrast, I'm comfortable in my insecurity, and I find most of my neurosis empowering. I'm able to laugh about myself, and accept teasing or criticism in most instances. In fact, I often invite it as an opportunity to connect with others.

In the past, I allowed myself to become distracted by romantic relationships. This effectively kept me from embracing who I am, and it was easier that way.  I couldn't describe why I was the way I was, because the opposing aspects of my personality were confusing and stressful. Instead, I unknowingly ignored it. Thinking I knew who I was, I forged on with external relationships, before cultivating the one that is the most important and will stay with me for my entire life. I don't think this was unhealthy, but I do think it set me back in creating a future for myself.

In the last two years, I've had the time to get to know myself in a way I never really did. I've acknowledged the enigmatic aspects of my personality. I've embraced the parts of me about which I am unsure.  I have developed a trust in who I am, and what I am capable of. I find solace in my introspection, and enjoy the idiosyncrasies that make me who I am. I'm sassy and sweet. I'm wrecklessly cautious. I'm silly, but serious. I'm gracefully clumsy, and accommodatingly ironic. I'm insightful and entertaining, and I'd have it no other way.

 There are roads I plan to travel, and places I intend to take myself in this journey. I'm prepared to grow, and learn, and laugh, and love. Despite my fears, I'm ready for this life. But, like I said, I've come to a stalemate. I've reached a page break in the story of my life.

I've cultivated my relationship with myself; it is strong and reliable. Which means it's time for me to look outward, and develop other meaningful relationships. One begets another.

Standing Up For Myself

Location: Apartment
Mood: Irritated

I've reached my breaking point. I'm done. I'm tired of dealing with this crap.

What am I talking about? Glad you asked.

It turns out I've surrounded myself with a group of people who are not so great at the whole friendship thing. For awhile, I thought maybe I wasn't trying hard enough to keep contact. So, I turned that up. I made every effort to contact distant friends, and make plans. I called, texted, and wrote, but got minimal response.

Then I thought, maybe I was bailing on my "friends" more than I should. That's when I decided to try a little harder in that department. I started dropping everything whenever they called. This is when I realized something: They don't call me. They are standing me up. They are being flaky and passive aggressive with me.

For this reason, I'm over it. I'm done. I don't care any more. I'm out.

I'm tired of pretending we're friends. Let's call it what it is: We're not really friends.

If we were: You would be calling me too. You would be making an effort as well. You would not be texting me once every 6 months telling me you miss me and we should "hang out soon." You wouldn't be telling me you'd love to hang out if your prior commitment ends early enough. You wouldn't blame it on the 11 miles between us. You wouldn't say "if I wasn't so tired," or "our schedules are just so different." If we were friends I'd hear from you, I'd see you, and I'd know what was going on.

I have a few friends I can rely on. You know who you are, and you know this doesn't apply to you. For everyone else: That's it. I'm done trying to contact you. I'm not going to expend the energy, and ultimately end up alone on my couch because you slept in, or forgot we had plans. I deserve better than that.

Don't get me wrong. I still care about you, and I'd love to see you. However, it's your turn to make it happen. You need to take a second to figure out if you actually want to see me too. If you don't, than this is it. No more. I'm not going to be the reliable one anymore. The ball's in your court. Try stepping up to the plate, and working around my life for a change.

Creep Magnet

Location: Lola's Room
Mood: Bemused

Have I ever talked about the type of men I attract?  I don't think I have.
It's bad.

I tend to attract the creeps. The weirdos. The (for lack of a better descriptor) losers. And, despite my best efforts, I either warrant no attention from the decent guys, or I somehow wind up in an awkward scenario which effectively repels them.

For example, tonight I went dancing with a friend. I wound up dancing with a guy who wasn't going to steal my heart, but he was cute enough, plus he didn't mind making a fool of himself (my biggest turn on). We're having a good time flirting, and comparing dance moves. I'm thinking, "this is alright!"

Meanwhile, there's this creepy middle-aged man with floppy blond hair in a Ryder Strong cut. We have not even had an interaction, but he is circling us, and throwing me awkward compliments like "I love your pants!" or "that shirt is great!" and "oh my god, those shoes!" He's doing this, repeatedly.  In three minutes, he must have complimented my outfit at least four times. I thanked him at first, but then it was uncomfortable. Also, throughout the night, anytime he looked over and saw me there he'd say "Oh hey!" or "it's you!" like we were buddies. So, I used my most powerful tool: I was ignoring it.

I was having a good time dancing with the decently attractive fun guy.

Then, the music gets quieter for a minute and Creepo yells, "hey, hot pants? Where's your husband?!"

Fun Dancer freezes, yells, "you better go find him!"   and runs off, never to be seen again (along with all the other viable options on the dance floor). I'm left, alone with the uncomfortable complimenting man in a crowd of 80s garb.

Seriously?! Is this my life?

Then the Nerves Set In.

Location: Apartment
Mood: Introspective

I'm feeling a bit anxious in the soul and also my chest area.
This happens whenever I make a decision, particularly a big one. It makes it really hard for me to judge if I'm making the right one.
Is my chest fluttering because I'm excited, or am I nervous? It's hard to tell when the decision is not easily made, and has both positive and negative aspects to either choice.

Eligible and Entertaining

At some point in the recent past, I have become a romantic-comedy-inspired stereotype.

Somehow, I have turned into the haplessly single young woman that everyone is concerned about. (This is especially ironic since, from the point I began dating until recently, I have pretty much always been involved in some kind of relationship. I'm attempting to negotiate these very conflicting pieces of my identity.) Unbeknownst to me, I have dispensed this aspect of my life into the universe, and people all around me have begun to reference it in one way or another. 

About a year ago, I began to field variations of the question "So, Mindy do you have a boyfriend?" at an alarmingly high rate. People in all parts of my life have suddenly taken a huge interest in my love life (or lack thereof). I guess it's confusing to others that I'm alone.

I'm most confused by how obvious it is to others. How do they know?! Do I have "desperately unattached" written on my forehead in last night's lipstick? Who chiefed me?!-That's embarrassing.

Any time the above question is asked, it's clear that the interviewer already knows the answer. Any glimmer of positive affect that may be detected is obviously them hoping to be wrong about their assumption. No one is ever surprised by my answer. They feign surprise, and then act all sympathetic like it's genuinely depressing that I'm an independent woman in this day and age. Those closer to me, have begun to offer up their other single friends in an attempt to save us from ourselves.

In the past, I've laughed this off. See, I was raised by someone who made me memorize and recite: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." As much as I rejected it, the quote stuck in the corner of my psyche, and has shaped my responses to this dating inquisition. I'm sure my father would be proud to know my feelings on the issue are: Haha! I don't care. I am Mindy the Maladroit. I'm endearingly neurotic. I love myself, and that's all that matters...right?

Right?!?

Then, a few months ago, one of my clients noticed it:

     While drawing a picture for me he looked up with his doe-eyes and said "you have a dog at your home Muwinda?"
    "Nope, no dog," I replied.
    He stopped drawing, and scrunched up his five year old face trying to determine exactly what that means. Picture him thinking, how could Teacher Melinda not have a dog? That just doesn't make any sense. Then, his eyes widened, and his mouth relaxed in what was clearly an "a-ha!" moment. "You have a cat," he said matter-of-factly as he returned crayon to paper.
    "No. It's just me at home."
    The kid might as well have said, "aww you poor thing" with the look he gave me. Instead, he responded with a condescending "you need a cat Muwinda." He then proceeded to draw a picture of the two of us playing together in a house with a cat.

"That's me and you at your house, with a cat. You need a cat Muwinda."

As adorable as this story may be, I'm disturbed. What am I doing that a preschooler is sensing my singleness, and attempting to resolve it? Where is this coming from?! How can I fix it?

I'm fine being single. I'm as independent as I need to be. Hell, I'm a fish, and having a bicycle would just be absurd! 

Well, wait a second. How cool would it be to see a fish riding a bicycle? 

 Right?! Not necessary, but totally awesome. Maybe I've been interpreting this quote wrong my whole life.

At this point in my blog writing process, my prophetic iTunes shuffle just started playing Love Train. Dear God! There's theme music now! The universe is obviously trying to communicate something to me.

I had big plans for the end of this entry, but I can't do any better than that. Fine! I give in! I'm comically single, and clearly have the personality of a rom-com heroine! Do what you want with that.

Commence happy ending sequence.

That's Great, It Starts With an Earthquake

Location: My bed
Mood: Anxious

I feel like I should talk about my apocalypse anxieties. It's a little humorous that I think about this, but even more hilarious that I even care. Keep in mind, that my opinion on this subject is the exact opposite from my pyschological response. I honestly think it's a bunch of hooey, but it still makes me nervous, and that's comical.

I first began to consider the end of the world about 5 years ago. I was at my then boyfriend's house watching a history channel special about the year 2012. You guys, it freaked me out. Something about the number and variety of sources that agree upon a date in time as the prophesied END is what really throws me. Normally, I think people are crazy when they talk about these things, but for some reason this time around it actually caused a physiological response. My heart began to pound, and I got super nervous. I thought,

"2012, but that's...like...soon..."

Then, I couldn't sleep.

Granted, it's pretty normal for me to have bouts of insomnia, but to struggle with sleep because I'm worried that the world will end...that ain't right. So, I did what any logical person does when stressed over an absurd concern about an unlikely event you can't control: I went online.

That didn't help.

At this point I figured it'd be best to just stop thinking about it; start endorsing those avoidant tendencies which have served me so well in the past.

Then, the movie trailer came out. I can NOT watch this trailer. The first time I saw it, my heart about leapt out of my chest, my breathing sped up, and I kept thinking, "this is it. It's real now." The trailer made it's way on to TV, and appeared on the commercial break for several of my favorite shows. When this happened, I would run across the room and lunge to turn my TV off before it caused nervous laughter and attempts to bottle my concern.

I just can NOT deal.

Then the damn books started to show up on display at my favorite book store. I don't care if it's a best seller! Stop forcing me to deal with it. I had to avoid the back right corner of the store for three months.

I'm told that this past weekend was the rapture. I'm not religious at all, and I don't entirely understand the whole rapture/judgement thing. However, the timing of it spikes my anxiety. I felt a whole lot better when I "survived it."

Except now... it's being postponed until October?

What the what?! Can you even do that?! Who is making these decisions? Do they understand that they're wigging me out?

Honestly, I'm doing pretty well with my avoidance here, but the calendar keeps changing, and pretty soon the time will be upon us. I'm not sure how I'll respond, but I'm picturing fetal position, under a table clutching my head (earthquake drill style) until the morning. At which point, I'll cautiously step out and survey the unchanged world, embarrassed that I just wasted an entire day acting like a fool.

Empathic Me

Location: Home
Mood: Reflective

For much of my life I have described myself as "an emotional sponge." When you put me in a room with other people, I absorb the atmosphere. Their feelings become my feelings.

There was a time when this was detrimental to my own mental well being. Imagine being 16 years old and highly susceptible to the mood fluctuations of your incredibly hormonal dance team. Then go off to college, and join a sorority.

I felt all kinds of things, and had no idea what or why for. Add to that my own internally developed feelings. It's really no wonder I experienced the physiological traumas that I did. How does someone so unaware of who she is cope with the constant inundation of inexplicable stressors?

As I grow, and become more self aware, I am noticing this ability, and pulling from it. However, it's a slippery slope. I find that often, I notice a change in the air during an important exchange, or my heart begins to race when I'm discussing issues at a meeting. While (mentally) I feel fine about the topic of conversation, I still can't shake my level of discomfort or unease. Often, I walk away conflicted; thinking to myself "well, that sounded really helpful. I liked those ideas, and this could work," but I can't shake the overwhelming sense of doom and desire to stay home hiding under my covers.

What I've noticed, is that my reaction is a direct result of an emotional observation that I have yet to label:

• You're confused, and I don't know why. That makes me uncomfortable. 
• I haven't noticed the monster in the closet, but he's scared so my heart is racing. 
• On the surface she seems fine. But there's bottled rage, and I know something's not right.

It seems like it could be an incredibly useful skill, if I could just build up my vocabulary. However, right now, it's awfully confusing to absorb everyone's emotions. Since there are no words for me to describe it, I wind up wringing myself-out and going to bed early. This leaves my brain surrounded by a murky solution of sentiments.

Nobody To Play With

Location: SE Portland
Mood: Perplexed

I know this kiddo, who lacks assertive relational behaviors with peers. He wants to play with them, but most of the time can't seem to figure out how to initiate interactions or stand up for himself. He tends to direct concerns about the other children to adults, and expect them to sort out his problems. Recently he was the first to finish his work and go play. He ran off to his area, and then called out to me from that section of the room, "But, Muwinda, I don't got nobody to play with?"

Initially, I was a bit perturbed. I wanted to say, "like that's my problem? Deal with it dude." However, once I stepped back, I realized (as I often do) that this specific scenario applies to my own view on the world. This child was merely putting words to my current dilemma.

Three weekends in a row, I have been stood up or cancelled on by at least one friend. As a result, I've spent a lot of time alone wondering how to find someone to play with. Now, I don't have a therapeutic staff to assist me in this dilemma. This is especially problematic, because the social world of adults tend to be more complex, and I'm not entirely sure how to navigate it at this juncture in my life.

Kids can just walk up to one another and say "want to play with me?" after only one interaction. Should I try that? I guess I could roam the halls of my building knocking on doors asking for a friend, but for some reason I think it might unnerve people. Also, I'm a bit shy so it doesn't really seem realistic.

So, once again I take a cue from the children of the world. Can someone out there find a friend for me to play with?

The Long-Wobbly Story

Location: My apartment
Mood: Irritated, Exhausted, & Confused

I wanted to take a minute out of my never neurotic (and hardly sarcastic) blog, to complain about a predicament I've found myself in. I'm annoyed right now.

The full story begins back in December, when I had two or three days of feeling dizzy.  I had several prolonged episodes of feeling as though I was moving, when I was clearly stationary. I attempted to ignore it, but started to get concerned when I experienced an apparent bending and contorting of the walls at work. Maybe it's just me, but I've always operated under the assumption that walls are supposed to remain where they are.

So, I did what I usually do when I'm curious, or don't want to deal with going to the doctor. I called Dr. Dad. I explained my symptoms to him, and he supposed that I had some sinus-related issue that was causing an inner ear problem.  He recommended allergy meds and decongestants.

Easy enough. Done.

Apparently this is the treatment for vertigo.

About two days later, things were not better. The dizziness was more frequent, and I was starting to get motion-sickness. It was akin to how I feel when I'm in the backseat of a car. Dr. Dad said I should probably call my Ear Nose & Throat (ENT) specialist. Turns out he didn't have openings until the end of January.  I didn't want to wait that long, so I saw his physicians assistant (PA) who determined that I had knocked some rocks around in my head (no seriously) and had benign positional vertigo. She basically moved my head & body around a bunch, put me on desk duty, and told me not to lay down for 48 hours.  It was irritating.

In the the following two days, I had an increase in dizziness. I basically always had that sensation you get when you're a passenger in a car that you've just realized was not stopped. Plus I was nauseous, and I would get added waves in which my own personal elevator lurched forward. According to friends and coworkers, I had lost all my coloring.  At the same time, I came down with something (no one is clear if it was related or not).  I had no appetite, no strength, and one of the worst sinus headaches of my life (this is saying something because I've had sinus surgery and subsequent post-operative headaches). I was so dizzy I worried about my ability to drive. The PA concluded that I had an infection (duh), which caused the vertigo. I apparently hadn't noticed the infection until this point because my history of chronic sinusitis had desensitized me to it.

YAY! Antibiotics and steroids!
Oh, right I'm trying not to be sarcastic.

Well, what we learned from all this is that I'm allergic to another antibiotic.  I broke out in the most uncomfortable rash. My skin was bright red, hot as hell, and stung all over. The PA hears this, and fears that despite my documented sensitivity to antibiotics I might also be allergic to steroids (a condition that's quite rare). She takes me off both medications. This would be fine, except that steroids are used to treat allergic rashes. It went out of control. I was itchy, stingy, and inflamed. Honestly, it was one of the worst feelings I've ever had.

Eventually, I was fortunate to catch a cancellation in my ENT's schedule. He agreed with the infection diagnosis. However, he felt that it was in my ears. It had caused inflammation and mucus in my sinuses and eustachian tubes. His two week treatment decreased, but did not eradicate the dizzy spells (which seemed to be made worse by certain sounds...weird right?). Also, I had begun to experience some fullness and ringing in my ears. Thinking it was an incredibly stubborn infection we did another round. My condition did not improve with the second round.

After a CT, and finding no abnormalities we both threw up our hands.  He told me he wanted to get a fresh look at it.  In his office, we talked about my experiences, I picked my right leg up, I picked my left leg up, he shook me all about, we did the hokey pokey, I turned myself around. That's pretty much what it was all about.

In the end, it was determined that I have an atypical presentation of Meniere's Disease. He put me on a diuretic, and told me to cut down on salt as much as possible. I was mad, but he's a good doctor so I complied.

You guys, I actually got better. If I were writing this last week, I would tell you that I'm down to one or two very (max of 5 seconds) brief episodes a day.

You'll notice I'm not writing this last week.

On Monday, I noticed I was light-headed and very sensitive to positional changes, especially going from kneeling/squatting to standing. This is problematic as I work with disturbed preschoolers. It's like an aerobic catholic mass (i.e. stand up, sit down, kneel, stand, jump, run, sit, squat, stand, turn). On Tuesday, I was really light-headed. More so on Wednesday, and was disturbed that standing on a stool triggered a head rush.  Dr. Dad said to call my ENT.

Early this morning, I had briefly squatted to get something out of a box, and then stood at a normal pace. It caused a head rush so intense I had to sit down, and feared I might vomit. I remained nauseous for 10 minutes following it.  I called my doctor.

Now, I have told you ALL of that to illustrate my journey towards complete frustration. My ENT wants me to get my blood drawn again, and to take some kind of supplement that I've never heard of

I want to cry. I'm tired of this shit. I'm confused.  My equilibrium is failing me, but otherwise I feel healthy. I've changed my diet. I can't afford to spend all this time, energy, and money on such a stupid little thing. I'm exhausted (figuratively and literally). I'm sick of medication side effects, and I want this to be done.

To top this all off, I'm starting to doubt my mind.  My parents mean well, but they keep posing that it's a result of, and exacerbated, my worrying.  I don't feel like I'm stressed about it. I just want to be better. However, I do talk about it with them quite a bit. Maybe that means I am overly worried about it?

I don't even know.  Should I just abandon all treatment and hope for the best? I want to, but then I remember how I felt before, and it caused me to seek treatment. I know that dizziness and head rushes happen normally.  I think the ones I'm experiencing right now are more intense than those experienced by the general population, but now I can't be sure.

Am I a hypochondriac? Have I created an illness out of nothing? Or is there really something there?

I just don't have the answers.

Describing My Outlook

Location: Yoga Studio
Mood: Contemplative

I'm learning new things about myself each and every day. Lately I've been learning that I love when something has a simplistic beauty about it.

In my Yin class tonight, the instructor recited poetry while we meditated. I never thought I would be much for this. In fact, I mentally resisted it for a while. A lot of it seemed too... (what's the word?) ...carefree for me. However, at one point she was reciting a poem, and I was internally mocking the experience. I know, I shouldn't be that way, because it is profoundly supportive for some. It just tends not to be for myself. Anyway, she's reciting this poem, and for some reason one of the stanzas pulled me out of my mental block and spun me on my axis. The stanza was:

"Union can't be forced,

won't be one by fighting."

I believe the original intent, was for us to think of this in terms of our body struggling with the pose. However, It rang true for me, and as I thought about it the stanza resounded. It is deeply simple, yet truthfully beautiful. Also, it's interpretation extends to a wide variety of circumstances. For me it, gave words to my previously indescribable outlook on a number of situations in my life. In some, the interpretation is surprisingly literal, and in others it continues to be accurate in a metaphorical sense.

I was unaware of it, but this is how I wish everyone felt. I'm not about persuading people to want what they don't, or converting them to believe what they can't. I think disagreements are a necessary part of life, but fighting back never fully solves an issue. It will cause a rift in relationships that, while it may heal, will always leave a scar.

I wish people in my world, and the world beyond it could learn to coexist with their difference. I'm not expecting people to embrace each other for being dissimilar, but acceptance would be ideal. Currently I'm attempting to learn that what's important to me may not be important to others, and vice versa, and accept it. There is so much in this world that we don't know. It's easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and forget that.