Fun Story Time: Warning it's about a potty-type situation.

Mood: embarrassed


If you know me at all, you know that I have a ridiculous fear of rats and mice. Pretty self explanatory. I hate their tails. Their beady little eyes. Their teeth. The fact that they are disease-ridden. You know that they all just want to bite you, and give you rabies and god knows what else. I can’t talk about this right now I’m getting all stressed out.

You may also know that I have a totally irrational fear of toilets. Weird I know. I can’t totally explain it. I think it stems partially from a blacked-out potty training trauma. Also, I’ve always secretly suspected that the upstairs bathroom at my house is haunted. So much so that when I was little I was scared to go to the bathroom at night. When I was too old to pee my bed, I would usually hold it till morning and sprint down the hall first thing. When I either couldn’t hold it, or managed to convince myself that there was no such thing as ghosts {probably} I would use it but I would NEVER flush at night. I was convinced the loud flushing noise was a demon roaring at me from the depths of hell (or the plumbing system...whatever). This last point was further exacerbated by a little movie called “Look Who’s Talking Too.” Say what you want about that film, my psyche, whatever, but there is a talking toilet scene in that film that scarred me. Later in life I would say it was out of courtesy to my parents. " I didn’t want to wake them", I'd say. Don't believe that line. This fear, as I said, is totally irrational, and as I can’t avoid it I use the bathroom regardless.

Anyway, the two fears may seem like they'd never meet, but you’d be wrong. They actually come into contact with one another on an almost daily basis. When I was in middle school I heard a story on the radio about rats living in sewers. I’m sure you’ve probably heard this old wives tale, but the story was about a woman who discovered a rat in her toilet. *Alright I’m getting nervous.* This woman did not just discover a disease infested rabid rat in her toilet by stumbling upon it one morning before doing her business. Oh no. This woman discovered the rat WHILE doing her business. Oh god! Yes, that’s right. It bit her. Right in the tuckus!! OH GOD!!!

Needless to say, I have never really been the same. Although I know it probably never happens, I still have a hard time getting past the nervousness that is me KNOWING a rat will be biting me on my ass this time.

It’s never happened.

So fun story time now:

At work I have all kinds of issues with using the bathroom. These issues are unrelated to my irrational fears, but are no doubt exacerbated by them. These stories are for another day and another time. The story I want to tell you about is how I thoroughly embarrassed myself at my place of employment this week. I went to the bathroom, and I set up the toilet with one of those sheets (what are they called?).

In case you’re wondering, I don’t do this anywhere else. I don’t mind the germs. But, for some reason, I'm worried about them at my work.I know. I’m weird.

Anyway, so I put the sheet down, and then I do my business. I’ll spare you the details. Except that you need to know, if you don’t already, that it was freaking hot this week. So I was kind of sweaty. When I stood up afterward the sheet came along with me. It stuck to my sweaty legs.

Well, naturally I thought this was it. The big one. Obviously a disgusting disease-ridden beastie was attacking me! So, yes… I screamed.

I hope you enjoyed that little story. The end is not as spectacular… thankfully. There was not anyone outside in the hallway. Or maybe there was, and they heard me scream and ran away. Who knows. But regardless of who heard me, I feel like an idiot. It was a toilet protector people!

Hope you enjoyed that.

Oh. Side note: If you youtube search “Look Who’s Talking Too toilet” you get a bunch of Jonas brothers videos...Explanation please?

1 comment

Monica Heistand wrote at 11:39pm May 29th, 2009

I love you mindy!! that is hilarious!!!!!