A Grown Up in a Child-Sized Costume

Location: My Room
Mood: Lonely

Here is what's on my mind. According to, well, the world I look a lot younger than I am. I'm twenty-three years old, but many people have a hard time believing that. It's quite frustrating actually. It's a lot worse than it sounds. Let me describe to you a few recent events in my life.

This weekend I went to Vegas. A bouncer didn't believe my ID at one club. At another some guy asked me if I was fifteen. Then the girl in line behind me at the bar loudly told her friends that there was no way in hell I was legal.

A few weeks ago a bike racer gave me one of his premes (he didn't want it). It was a tote bag. He said it would really come in handy during my first semester. A couple of days later a friend of my parents asked me what grade I was in.

About six months ago I went to the movies with my Mom. We went to see an animated feature. It was raining, so I had my hood up. My mom bounds up to the box office and said "we wanna see some cartoons!" The box office attendant then asked if we needed one adult and one child ticket.

Nearly nine months ago I went out to dinner with my brother. The host looked directly at me, and then asked if we would be needing a childrens' menu.

I work at a therapeutic school for children who have been abused/neglected. On one of my first days a 6 year old girl told me that I didn't look like a teacher. "You look like a kid," she said. One day I was working with an after school group of adolescents and one of the teenage girls raised her hand, and asked the lead staff "is she {referring to me} one of you or one of us?"

As you can see, this is not just a vague confusion. I am an adult, and society doesn't see it. People aren't saying I look a little bit younger than I am. Some people think I'm a few years younger. Some people think more than that. They assume I'm a teenager. When they see me reading they assume that it is for homework. They find it strange that my parents "let" me drink. Other people assume worse. They think I'm a child. They believe I need special menus and booster seats.

Normally, I just laugh it off. I tell myself that it's no big deal. However, the truth is: this really gets to me. A large part of me actually takes this to heart. It kicks me right in the most tender portion of my self-esteem. I don't want to be younger. I'm twenty-three. I want to be twenty three.

The worst part is that no one seems to understand. I keep hearing "oh you'll really like that later" or "eventually that will be nice." That's all well and good, but here's the thing: it's not later. I'm sure that when I'm forty-five and getting carded, I will be flattered. Eventually, I probably will appreciate it. However, right now it sucks, and I don't think that's going to change. Maybe I will like it when I'm older. Actually, I probably will, but one thing I know for sure is that when I am older I will not think "that wasn't so bad when I was 23." It sucks now, and I believe that I will still think so into old age. I will look back and think "yeah it's nice now, but I hated the hell out of it when I was young."

SO, thanks for trying to console me with that thought. But for the love of god please stop.