Looking Forward

I can't remember a time in my life when I was unaware of its ephemeral nature. This goes back to the very beginning of my memories. I even have vague recollections of feeling like nap-time would not always be a necessary part of my day (although, it turns out I was somewhat wrong about that).

In kindergarten, I had a keen awareness of the fleeting aspects of my education. I knew I wouldn't endure that particular experience forever. I was constantly looking forward. I learned to read, then searched for what came next. In later grades, I mastered the mathematical tasks, and asked to get a jump start on the next year's curriculum. I always knew that a change was coming down the pike. Rather than sit idly waiting for it, I reached out and pulled it closer. I tackled my development head on, checking items off the list faster than most.

As I matured, the changes came less frequently. Still aware of their inevitability, I was forced to deal with it in a way I never had before. Until adolescence, I had never fully experienced what it was like to just be. I never looked at my present circumstances, and accepted them. I couldn't. Accepting them meant coping with the grief that accompanied each transition. I would have to deal with losing who I thought I was, and I didn't want to do that. So, I simply told myself that I hadn't become who I was yet. I rationalized that each stage was merely a phase I had to pass through to get where I was going.

Sitting with that was more difficult than I could have imagined. I experienced a mixture of self-acknowledgement, confusion about what that meant, and angst over a combination of reactions that I couldn't comprehend.

It's difficult to accept who you are when you know that's not a stagnate concept. Nevertheless, I got there eventually. At least for now, I've figured it out. However, it's continuously complicated by the life-alterations that I know are inescapable. I am who I am. That makes sense, but what about who I am going to be? Who's that girl? Will I like her?