Soooo Many Thoughts

Tonight, in my Group Dynamics class, we made a collaborative decision to engage in an experiential activity which involved observing our instructor facilitate groups with a challenging member. This looks like a smaller group meeting inside a larger circle comprised of the remaining members of the class. With the background information identified, I cordially invite you to join me in my process:

The first one was really interesting. I learned a lot from it. So, I decide I'll participate in the next one. However I will not volunteer to be what we have identified as a "confrontational member"...right? Wrong.  

Surprise! We don't get to volunteer. Everyone close your eyes, teacher's going to play Heads Up 7-Up with your sanity.

The whole time I'm thinking, "please don't pick me, please don't pick me," at such a pressured rate that it's as if I believe the faster I think my thoughts the more likely he is to receive them telepathically. Well, guess what?  It turns out it doesn't work that way. In fact, maybe it's just the opposite. Maybe I somehow indicated to the universe that I was up for this particular challenge? Talk about misrepresentation.  

So, this is it. I am the difficult member. Everybody open your eyes, and stare at Little Miss Mindy as she tries to figure out how to be confrontational.  

Side note - This is so not in my nature. Even if I don't actually respect authority (which I do nearly 95% of the time), I will never play that out. It's just not who I am. I can't.  

I'm not even sure how to express to you what I go through at this moment. Let's start with the basics though: Fear. Paralyzing fear. 

I'm thinking "dear god, what does this even look like? How do I go about doing this? What if I can't do it? Will people be upset with me?" My heart starts racing, I can hear it pounding in my ears. My arm hair stands up on its end. My entire body feels like it's encased in an electric force-field. 

Meanwhile, the group within the group is happening, and I am trapped in my own brain. I am not participating because I can't even imagine what it will be like to be oppositional with my professor (while the whole class just watches). I hate this. I hate this whole experience. I want out.

Then my light-bulb comes on. Let's credit my apparent superhuman ability to emit electricity for this. Regardless of the source, I dive in to the experience. I'm not entirely sure how I execute the rest. Honestly, the stress of it makes things go a little fuzzy for awhile. However, I think I somewhat aggressively state that the whole thing is dumb. I say it only makes my problem worse. I derisively compare my professor's plea for hope to the unexpected presence of a wizard in the room. I call out the rest of the group members for not knowing what it was like to have a problem, and I finish by telling my professor I don't think his group is something I want to be a part of.

Ta-dah!

Right?! I feel like I just ran a three minute mile. The whole experience got me so keyed up that I had a really hard time organizing my thoughts around it. I was inundated with a plethora of emotions; each one compounding the next, until I couldn't distinguish one from the other.

I don't even know where to go from there.

I'm disoriented, hyper-stimulated, embarrassed, and a little dizzy.

To make matters worse, because of time constraints, we didn't really get to process it. I couldn't even find my professor after class ended. As a result, I'm not sure if it was even useful. I'm worried I overstepped my bounds, but at the same time, I'm curious to know what other people got out of it. 

Add to this the funky physiological roller-coaster I just went through, and now I'm perturbed. I'm pretty sure the only solution is to watch trashy TV and shove oven-fresh cookies in my mouth until I pass-out or explode...whichever comes first is fine.