La-La La La La

Location: I-84
Mood: Ridiculously Nostalgic

While driving home from my parents house this Christmas evening, I was struck with a random high-school memory. It is the type of memory that everyone has. The one that assures everyone that this particular period in their life is supposed to be absurd.

I think that the memory occurred because I was noticing all of the cars on the freeway in the rain, and I was wondering what portion of them were headed for The Grotto. *The Grotto* *The Grotto* *The Grotto*
(Why yes that was a fading echo narrating the transition into the memory)

It was mid December. It's Oregon, so that means it was raining. I was in my family's Subaru Outback with my former best friend, and my wankster boyfriend. We were on our way to one of my choir's numerous holiday performances. This particular one being at The Grotto. I don't know what we were talking about, but it was most likely something important that would cure the world of all it's problems. This potential world peace solution was never fully realized however, because Kelis - Milkshake came on the radio, and we went biserk.

Teenage pandemonium broke out in that station wagon. Two teenage girls began to sing at the top of their lungs, and dance in their seats. I don't remember how the guy reacted entirely, but I do remember him spurring a lively debate when he said, "have you seen this music video? Gurl is ugly. Her milkshake definitely would NOT bring me to the yard."

This led me to ask a number of very naive questions such as: Who is this? What's a milkshake? Where is this "yard"? Why does she want the boys to go there?

It would be years before I answered most of these inquiries, but apparently the memory of rocking out to Milkshake before a holiday choir concert in one of Portland's most sacred places will stick with me forever.

The Forehead Kiss

Location: My Apartment
Mood: Longing

What is it about the forehead kiss? It's heart warming really. It's the only kind of kiss that lets you know the kisser truly cares about you. Sure, anyone can kiss you on the forehead, and there's nothing particularly intimate about that section of flesh. But, for some reason, when someone kisses you right there, above your nose and in between your eyes, it seems to expose their true feelings for you.

It doesn't always have to be in a romantic setting. My dad kisses me on the forehead occasionally, and when that happens I know that he's proud to be my dad. I have a male friend who smooches my temple from time to time. Granted, this would be odd if it happened frequently, but since it doesn't it's special. It let's me know that he is glad to be my friend.

That being said, I think the best forehead kiss is the romantic forehead kiss. It's been my favorite kiss from all of my previous boyfriends, but it hasn't been the same for each of them. It's an individualized embrace.

I had one boyfriend that did it frequently. When this occurred it was innocent, and affectionate. This boyfriend and I broke up, but we remained close friends. He no longer kisses my forehead. However, when I look back upon a time that he did I'm not surprised that our amorous relationship did not last. The kiss on the tip of my face foretold our future as life long friends who care deeply for one another.

My second serious boyfriend often kissed me on the top of my head. When he did I felt this strong bond to him. I couldn't help but smile. Even now, I remember that experience fondly. The memory gives me a warm sensation behind my eyes and a tingling feeling in my stomach just as strong as if it were still happening. At the time, it was my favorite thing in the world. I couldn't get enough of it, and I even went so far as to ask him to do it (calling it a kiss "betwix my ojos") It was an intense feeling. Ultimately, that's how our relationship was. Intense. It ended with me begging for more, and not appreciating the sporadic specialness of a random peck.

Through the years various people have kissed my forehead, and retrospectively each kiss has indicated the nature of our relationship. A kiss on the forehead is brief, but will tell you if someone admires you, or is amused by you. A forehead kiss can even tell you if, in some way, the kisser looks down on you with a level of condescension. This gentle kiss between your eyes can even allow you to evaluate whether you reciprocate the same level of emotion or intimacy as the kisser.

Really, it's the best kind of kiss, and I wish you all one very soon.

Awesome Conversations with Children

So, you may or may not know that I work with children. Most of the kids I work with have had some pretty traumatic/hard lives. However, that does not make them any less insightful or fun. They have said some completely amazing things to me over the last few months, and I decided to start documenting them. Due to confidentiality reasons I can't give much information, but I thought that people might enjoy what little I could share. I've had some really rather humorous conversations with these little tykes.

Before I share them with you I should probably put in a little disclaimer. None of these conversations represent my own opinions or ideas. I take no responsibility for any offense that may come from the ramblings of these children. Besides, they're just kids people. Lighten up.

J. Boy age 7
J: I've been to Mars.
Me: Really? What's it like there?
J: Red
Me: Makes sense.
J: And they speak Chinese.
Me: Oh, I had no idea.
J: Yeah, this one time I called them up, and I was like, 'ching chang cho.;
Me: What does that mean?
J: I don't know. I don't speak Chinese.

boy Age 8
You know, Venus is a lot like New York.

J. boy Age 5
J: How old are you?
Me: How old do you think I am?
J: 8?
Me: No, I'm older than 8.
J: 3,000?
Me: No. I'm younger than 3,000.
J: Will you just tell me?
Me: I'm 23.
J: WOAH! You should be bigger!

boy Age 8
The three rules of the sea:
1. No eating other fish, unless they attack you or swim away.
2. Always obey the law.
3. No messing with Spiderman.

D. boy age 5
D: This dragon breathes fire and ice cream.
Me: Doesn't that melt the ice cream?
D: No. Because, sometimes you have to cook ice cream first.

J. boy age 5
Me: That's a really big green bean you have!
J: It's not bigger than this town though.

E. boy age 3
Me: What do those carrots taste like?
E: Umm...green.

boy age 4
My doughnut tasted like Spiderman.

M. boy age 5
M: I like sharks, but not real ones. They bite you. Swordfish hurt you too.
Me: I didn't know that.
M: Yeah well they have a poky nose.

boy age 4
I don't want to play with you. I want to play with a human.

boy age 4 (Reactive Attachment Disorder)
I don't know how to like you.

girl age 7
You want a piece of me? Let's go butthole.

M. boy age 4
Me: Where were you yesterday?
M: I'm batman. I was flying around.

K. boy age 5
Me: What did you draw?
K: That's me in my mommy's tummy. It's boring there.

A. boy age 5
A (to another kid): Please stop looking at me.
Me: She's not looking at you. She's just looking around the room. Does it feel like she's looking at you?
A: Yeah, it's cuz she thinks I'm a robot.

A. boy age 5
A: Knock, Knock!
L: Who's there?
A: Please to meet you!
L: Please to meet you who?
A: um...pants on head!

M. boy age 4
I don't want to hurt people, but sometimes I do and I don't know why.

Admittedly I have gotten really bad at remembering these little bits of awesomeness that children offer me. As the last few entries may indicate, my memory has gravitated toward the more disturbing quotes of late. I have been saving this draft for a while. I began it a year ago before I started regular work with maltreated kids. I've added to it over the months, but not for some time. Rereading it has reminded me that kids have remarkable, and often enjoyable insight. I think it's important to consider that every now and then. Enjoy your kids people.

The Logical Heroes

Location: My Room

Mood: Sleeping

This is a story about a dream I had last night. Bare with me, because I'm not sure if I can accurately describe it. Dreams are difficult to describe, and this one meets that expectation perfectly.

I'm driving through the streets of East Portland on my scooter (no I don't actually own a scooter, but apparently I do in dreamland...it's blue and white), and I'm followed by my friend of 10 years, Rob, on his.

It must have just rained because it was crisp outside, and the roads were slick. In the dream I feel like I'm being perfectly safe, but the me outside my dream, the me watching my dream, that me...she disagrees. I am zig-zagging back and forth in the lane. It's so extreme that I'm nearly horizontal every time I shift my weight to alter the lean. I'm darting in and out of traffic, and Dream Mindy is having the time of her life. Dreaming me is petrified that she's going to die, and Rob agrees with her.

He's shouting at me, "slow down Mindy! Be careful!" He's (rightfully) worried I'm going to crash.

That's when I crossed over I-84. In this world, the road just ends after you do that. I reached the end of the road, and slide-stop my scooter (you know hockey style). A couple of minutes later, Rob stops besides me. He begins to berate me for my reckless driving.

"Rob, calm down," I say. "I got us here didn't I?"

Just then, the perspective pans up to capture what can only be described as a Wildlife Safari style Rain Forest Attraction. It's set up like a tree house, and I'm unclear if it's a hotel, or just a tourist attraction thing. Whatever it is, (whether it's overnight or not) we're going there.

When we cross the threshold, we are immediately immersed in an actual Tropical rain forest tree house. It is at this point that the real me (who is asleep and watching this whole experience) realizes that this is not just regular Rob and Mindy. We're kids; somewhere between 8 and 10 years old. Apparently, we have chosen to spend the day darting around East Portland on our scooters, and then experiencing a genuine tropical rain forest that appears with no adult supervision.

After I realize that the juvenile Rob and Mindy are not simply exploring this habitat, I begin to fear for the outcome of this dream.

The tree house we have entered is loosely made of bamboo, and every room is open to the environment. Each room, or pod, is connected by a low hanging flimsy rope bridge. Most rooms are low and only inches above a bog which is infested with malicious swamp creatures.

The animals are not caged as you would imagine. In fact, they can (and typically do) come right up into the tree house. Nefarious looking simians swing on vines in and out of each pod taking what they will, and throwing what they won't. There is some kind of anaconda/alligator/shark type animal that lives in the bog below. Not only does this creature appear smart, but it seems to be aware that it is in an artificial habitat and is not happy about it. It begins to express it's anger by snapping at the children as they cross the bridge. It even gobbles up a couple.

Some monkeys swing into one of the rooms, and start physically attacking the children in there. I'm talking hair pulling, biting, eye-gouging, the works.

Rob and I look at each other. We then immediately scan as much of this environment as we can see (it appears to be an entire world now) for adults. We do see two employees in an adjacent room, but they are fending off some strange dream rain forest animals similar to hyenas. The hyena-things have worked as a team to disassemble some of the rope structure, and wrap it around the only adults. They are now attempting to force them into the bog where a giant piranha type animal is licking it's lips in anticipation.

Dream Mindy is terrified. Dreaming Mindy is trying to wake up. We both look to Rob for protection. Good thing too. Apparently he has a solution up his sleeve.

We're both huddled in a bedroom corner. Rob turns to me and says, "Don't worry. I know just who to call." Seconds later who appears but..........

Underdog and Quail Dog. They scare off the animals momentarily. Underdog screams "There's no need to fear, Underdog is here!"

At this moment everyone, (Rob, Dream Mindy, Dreaming Mindy, and the asinine canine saviors) realizes that we have not actually been saved. We have only angered the swamp thing below.

This is when I wake up.

Gloria the Congested Giantess.

Yesterday I worked a bike race at Mt. Tabor. It was rainy, and cold. However, the rain stopped and it warmed up just in time for my drive home. Given the change in surrounding, I thought it might be fun to play around with my GPS. I set the GPS to take me home with the "fastest" route. It had me scheduled to arrive home at 4:26pm, 20 minutes from my departure time. I followed it a little, but then I noticed that it had planned for me to drive on just surface streets. Normally, this is the route that I too would have chosen for myself. However, as I drove past the freeway on ramp I thought, "I wonder what time I would get home by if I took the freeway."

On an impulse, I turned at the very last minute to get onto what looked like a mostly clear freeway. About 60 seconds later... I was at a standstill. Nobody was going anywhere. I imagined (as someone with my facial anatomy would) the freeways were actually the sinus system in some giant's face, and they were clogged. No movement in or out. For what felt like an eternity I sat there and watched the estimated arrival time move further and further away. 4:28pm. 4:29pm. 4:30pm.

Then we began to inch towards freedom. I could see the I-5 & I-84 junction. I knew I was almost there. After a few more minutes, I merged onto I-84, and everything opened up. The estimated arrival time began to drop. 4:29, 4:28, 4:27pm. I thought "I'm gonna do it! Despite all that drama, I might actually beat Gloria the GPS home!"

I thought wrong. Just as the thought occurred to me, I noticed brake lights ahead. I merged right hoping to get off the freeway before the congestion. But, alas, it would not be. We were stuck on the freeway. More stuck than before. Somewhere, in my fantasy world a giant was applying heat packs to his forehead, and attempting to flush out his nasal cavities. Poor guy.

The estimated arrival time crept back up. 4:30pm. 4:32pm. 4:34pm. Bye bye dream.

Gloria Peurterschmidt laughs in my face, "FREEWAY OFF RAMP ON THE RIGHT IN 2.0 MILES!!"

That bitch. It would be 10 minutes before I could even see the off ramp. Minutes went by faster than distances. Five minutes. 1.7 miles to go. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. Instead I laughed. Of course this would happen to me.

Eventually we crawled past a pretty bad car accident. I saw the EMTs loading someone's body into the back of an ambulance, and I felt bad for my little game. I looked ahead, the freeway opened back up, and it was time for me to make another choice. Stay on the freeway, get off and use surface streets.

Well as that day's weather systems had indicated, the beauty of sunny skies was not going to last. Open freeways, but a drizzle had started. An ominous feeling washed over me. I'd just passed two different clogged up giant nasal passages, caused by the mythical loogies of car accidents. It's probably best if I get off the free way before the hail came back.

So I did just that.

Is that the end?

Of course not. Have we met?

I exited the freeway, and began actually paying attention to my GPS, which I think is what she wanted all along. I turned off 181st onto Burnside only to discover....

CONSTRUCTION.

Clearly the giant had decided to bite the bullet and get reconstructive surgery. A mystical month's worth of back up was in store. I sat there thinking "just my luck." I turned the radio on, and accepted my fate. The estimated arrival time climbed higher than ever before.

I get it Gloria. By the time I got home it was 5:15pm. Never again will I tempt fate, and race against your vast knowledge of highways, bi-ways and surface streets.

Okay, let's be realistic, I'm probably going to attempt a similar feat sometime in the near future. As you can probably tell, I get bored.