Last week, I attended my first day of class for my masters program (weird right?). I was driving to school thinking to myself, "this has got to be a mistake. Someone has made a serious error here. No way do I qualify to be doing this." Part of me wanted to turn right around, and hide in my apartment until someone realized that my application was all an elaborate lie. This spurred the reemergence of a similar reaction: I have my own apartment?! How is that possible?
Something is not right here. At some point, in the last few years, I became an adult. Or that's what I'm told anyway. I'm not entirely convinced.
Inside, I feel like a 14 year old girl stuck between childhood and maturity. Maybe I haven't been given the appropriate time to sit back and reflect on my experiences, but it seems almost accidental that I've gotten to where I am. Hell, I'm just coming to grips with the fact that I can drive! I feel like I'm breaking some kind of rule whenever I order a drink, and I can't even fathom that I have a college degree. When did that happen?
History would show that I fully qualify to be where I am in life, but my psyche disagrees. What is that about? Is this a lack of confidence? An over reliance on my parents? Or simply a manifestation of my anxiety?
Whatever it is, it's confusing. I can't be old enough for this! It seems absurd to think that I can live my life on my own. This is my first time doing this, and most of the time I'm lost. I yearn for the guidance given to the youth. Where's the template for how to live my life? Who is going to spell out my expectations, or provide me with an outline for daily living? I need a hand to hold, and a safety net to fall back on.
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