Asking For It

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There's a story in one of my favorite psychology books about a young girl who was repeatedly molested by an adult in her own home. The story is fascinating for several reasons. Perhaps the most notable intrigue in the story involves the girl's peculiar response to the trauma. This girl, recognizing that the abuse only occurred during states of extreme intoxication on the perpetrator' part, began to provide the man with freshly opened beer bottles.

Those of us fortunate enough to grow up in healthy homes with trusting adults are often baffled and outraged by this story. We wonder why she would do that. We speculate about her self-sabotaging or masochistic tendencies. Our healthy relationship foundations impair our ability to see this seemingly illogical reaction for the highly adaptive behavior it is. Because he only ever molested her when drunk, and because the girl couldn't stand waiting around wondering when his next bender would be, she took matters into her own hands. By initiating the very circumstances that result in her recurrent traumatization, this girl took control of an otherwise reckless scenario. Instead of maintaining a perpetual sense of terror at the unpredictable potential of another incident, she made it happen on her terms.

You actually see this kind of behavior in traumatized kids all the time. For many it involves emotional explosions that practically demand punishment. It is those kids who, despite every promise of rewards for good behavior, blow up at the first seemingly insignificant issue of the day. It's really common conduct, and yet it leaves foster parents, helping professionals, and school faculty understandably confused. It can be difficult to comprehend why a perfectly capable kid will repeatedly self-destruct.

These kids don't see the world the way we do. Their development has not been securely guarded by the trusting adults most of us knew. They do not have the expectation of safety and happiness that every child deserves. Unfortunately, moving them to safer environments doesn't magically change that. They have already grown to know the world as a dark place of disappointment. Maybe they have had some good experiences, but those are disproportionately infrequent in their memories. Getting smacked around, yelled at, and sent to a cupboard under the stairs are things they can count on. They know abuse is going to happen, history has proven this to them. They live every day knowing that eventually they will fall asleep and their nightmare will begin again.

Maltreated kids do not have much experience with interrupting or ending their traumas. Many of them don't believe it is even possible. They often lack the hope to hang on and try to repair their lives. To them, the worst is coming. It always does. With this hopeless outlook, the only way to prepare themselves, is to control when.