Empathic Me

Location: Home
Mood: Reflective

For much of my life I have described myself as "an emotional sponge." When you put me in a room with other people, I absorb the atmosphere. Their feelings become my feelings.

There was a time when this was detrimental to my own mental well being. Imagine being 16 years old and highly susceptible to the mood fluctuations of your incredibly hormonal dance team. Then go off to college, and join a sorority.

I felt all kinds of things, and had no idea what or why for. Add to that my own internally developed feelings. It's really no wonder I experienced the physiological traumas that I did. How does someone so unaware of who she is cope with the constant inundation of inexplicable stressors?

As I grow, and become more self aware, I am noticing this ability, and pulling from it. However, it's a slippery slope. I find that often, I notice a change in the air during an important exchange, or my heart begins to race when I'm discussing issues at a meeting. While (mentally) I feel fine about the topic of conversation, I still can't shake my level of discomfort or unease. Often, I walk away conflicted; thinking to myself "well, that sounded really helpful. I liked those ideas, and this could work," but I can't shake the overwhelming sense of doom and desire to stay home hiding under my covers.

What I've noticed, is that my reaction is a direct result of an emotional observation that I have yet to label:

• You're confused, and I don't know why. That makes me uncomfortable. 
• I haven't noticed the monster in the closet, but he's scared so my heart is racing. 
• On the surface she seems fine. But there's bottled rage, and I know something's not right.

It seems like it could be an incredibly useful skill, if I could just build up my vocabulary. However, right now, it's awfully confusing to absorb everyone's emotions. Since there are no words for me to describe it, I wind up wringing myself-out and going to bed early. This leaves my brain surrounded by a murky solution of sentiments.

Nobody To Play With

Location: SE Portland
Mood: Perplexed

I know this kiddo, who lacks assertive relational behaviors with peers. He wants to play with them, but most of the time can't seem to figure out how to initiate interactions or stand up for himself. He tends to direct concerns about the other children to adults, and expect them to sort out his problems. Recently he was the first to finish his work and go play. He ran off to his area, and then called out to me from that section of the room, "But, Muwinda, I don't got nobody to play with?"

Initially, I was a bit perturbed. I wanted to say, "like that's my problem? Deal with it dude." However, once I stepped back, I realized (as I often do) that this specific scenario applies to my own view on the world. This child was merely putting words to my current dilemma.

Three weekends in a row, I have been stood up or cancelled on by at least one friend. As a result, I've spent a lot of time alone wondering how to find someone to play with. Now, I don't have a therapeutic staff to assist me in this dilemma. This is especially problematic, because the social world of adults tend to be more complex, and I'm not entirely sure how to navigate it at this juncture in my life.

Kids can just walk up to one another and say "want to play with me?" after only one interaction. Should I try that? I guess I could roam the halls of my building knocking on doors asking for a friend, but for some reason I think it might unnerve people. Also, I'm a bit shy so it doesn't really seem realistic.

So, once again I take a cue from the children of the world. Can someone out there find a friend for me to play with?