Empathic Me

Location: Home
Mood: Reflective

For much of my life I have described myself as "an emotional sponge." When you put me in a room with other people, I absorb the atmosphere. Their feelings become my feelings.

There was a time when this was detrimental to my own mental well being. Imagine being 16 years old and highly susceptible to the mood fluctuations of your incredibly hormonal dance team. Then go off to college, and join a sorority.

I felt all kinds of things, and had no idea what or why for. Add to that my own internally developed feelings. It's really no wonder I experienced the physiological traumas that I did. How does someone so unaware of who she is cope with the constant inundation of inexplicable stressors?

As I grow, and become more self aware, I am noticing this ability, and pulling from it. However, it's a slippery slope. I find that often, I notice a change in the air during an important exchange, or my heart begins to race when I'm discussing issues at a meeting. While (mentally) I feel fine about the topic of conversation, I still can't shake my level of discomfort or unease. Often, I walk away conflicted; thinking to myself "well, that sounded really helpful. I liked those ideas, and this could work," but I can't shake the overwhelming sense of doom and desire to stay home hiding under my covers.

What I've noticed, is that my reaction is a direct result of an emotional observation that I have yet to label:

• You're confused, and I don't know why. That makes me uncomfortable. 
• I haven't noticed the monster in the closet, but he's scared so my heart is racing. 
• On the surface she seems fine. But there's bottled rage, and I know something's not right.

It seems like it could be an incredibly useful skill, if I could just build up my vocabulary. However, right now, it's awfully confusing to absorb everyone's emotions. Since there are no words for me to describe it, I wind up wringing myself-out and going to bed early. This leaves my brain surrounded by a murky solution of sentiments.