Filling the Void With Fiction

I currently have this overwhelming, and masochistic, urge to chain watch romantic movies. You see, my life has been entirely devoid of romance for awhile now. Though I'm mostly okay with this, I am suffering a little from the lack of attention. As shallow as it makes me sound, going unacknowledged is messing with my self esteem a little. Also, I've noticed an increase in my need to fill this void. Often, that means taking myself to see some romantic-comedy where the awkward girl gets the charming guy.

That's not obvious or anything. Thanks Subconscious.

The problem is, I don't really know where to meet new people. I mean, there's the ever cliché "at a bar" answer, but I'm not entirely sure that I want to meet someone at a bar. I know that I don't want to have to go to a bar all the time, especially if it's just to meet people. I also know that the type of people that I'm going to meet in a bar are probably not going to be relationship material. So, where do I meet people?

I understand that I'm pathologically shy around new people, and I often require a transitional friend to try new things. I'm aware that this impedes my success rate in any setting. It pretty much erases the opportunity for a meet-cute at the supermarket. I'm also not likely to approach someone reading my favorite book at a coffee shop, or a guy with a cute dog at the park. However, this doesn't stop me from going to those places in hopes that someone will approach me. This technique is not proving to be very effective.

Thus, I'm stockpiling links to romantic movies, and Hollywood depictions of relationships that defied the odds. Hopefully inundating my brain with fairy tales will trick it into thinking that it's experiencing one of it's own, and I can go on accomplishing the more serious goals in my life (re: grad school & genuine adulthood).

Meaningful Moments

In life, there are moments that are so incredibly meaningful, that they stand out forever. Moments, that alter everything.

Whether awful or awesome, when these moments happen you experience a fundamental changing of who you are, what you stand for, your circumstances, or your surroundings.

As much as I want to, I can't prepare you for the experience. I cannot tell you what these moments are like.  They won't fit into a category.  However, I can promise that they will happen, and you will recognize them when they do. It's impossible to go through life without witnessing at least one.

Sometimes these moments are personal and independent of world events. Other times they are public, and unify entire communities. They will impact you and your world in a way that is incredibly difficult to put into words.

When these moments come, there is a deep-seated emotional reaction. You will feel small in comparison to it. From somewhere within, you will experience a creepy kind of calm. There will be a moment of clarity as you become aware that something greater than you is occurring, and, at least for a moment, you will be dumbstruck. You'll pause. Maybe just for a minute, maybe for days, but you will stop everything while you take it in.

It may not seem real. You might think you're dreaming. Or, it may seem too real, and you might wish you were dreaming.

Slowly, you will begin to process. You will start to understand your emotions. You'll relate to the experience on a new level, and begin to heal from the life-altering change that has taken place. Eventually, life will resume a normal routine. You'll go through the motions, as you acclimate to the new circumstances of the world. All the while, you'll remember what happened as you negotiate who you were before with how things are now.

Then, one day, you'll notice that you haven't thought about it in a while. You'll wonder how long it's been, and whatever the time-frame, it won't seem accurate. You will wonder if you have moved on, and be upset that you haven't devoted as much to the magnitude of the memory.

Checking My Own ID

I am finding that my life is comprised of a series of surreal experiences in which I seem to have tricked people into thinking I'm an adult.

Last week, I attended my first day of class for my masters program (weird right?). I was driving to school thinking to myself, "this has got to be a mistake.  Someone has made a serious error here. No way do I qualify to be doing this." Part of me wanted to turn right around, and hide in my apartment until someone realized that my application was all an elaborate lie. This spurred the reemergence of a similar reaction: I have my own apartment?! How is that possible?

Something is not right here.  At some point, in the last few years, I became an adult. Or that's what I'm told anyway. I'm not entirely convinced.

Inside, I feel like a 14 year old girl stuck between childhood and maturity. Maybe I haven't been given the appropriate time to sit back and reflect on my experiences, but it seems almost accidental that I've gotten to where I am. Hell, I'm just coming to grips with the fact that I can drive! I feel like I'm breaking some kind of rule whenever I order a drink, and I can't even fathom that I have a college degree.  When did that happen?

History would show that I fully qualify to be where I am in life, but my psyche disagrees. What is that about? Is this a lack of confidence? An over reliance on my parents? Or simply a manifestation of my anxiety?

Whatever it is, it's confusing. I can't be old enough for this! It seems absurd to think that I can live my life on my own. This is my first time doing this, and most of the time I'm lost. I yearn for the guidance given to the youth. Where's the template for how to live my life?  Who is going to spell out my expectations, or provide me with an outline for daily living? I need a hand to hold, and a safety net to fall back on.

My Pubescent book of Poems pt. 2

*For an explanation of the origin of this gem check out:  Solitary

The Song of Life
I was sitting here wondering
What the world looked like
Before you came along,
When my life walked up to me
And began to sing a song.
It said:
"Dear sweetie,
please don't cry,
If this guy meant that much to you
He'd make you sigh."
It twirled around making up more chants.
"This guy would make you smile."
It said, "you wouldn't have to worry.
He'd take you in his arms and make it better.
He'd never leave in a hurry."
I thought and wondered for awhile,
Taking it all in.
"Was he really the one? It said,
"Did he make you smile?
It was beginning to annoy me.
My life had made me think.
Made me wonder: "did he really enjoy me?"
I was sitting here wondering
What the world looked like
Before you came along,
When my life walked up to me
And began to sing a song.
It said:
"Dear sweetie,
please don't cry,
You see, it's common sense:
If this guy means that much to,
He wouldn't have said 'Goodbye.'"