Dear Blog,

There's this thing my mother used to say to me when I was little. She'd lower her voice to an affectionate whipser, and ask for my attention. A gentle smile would wash over her face. This was evident, even when she spoke from afar, by the warm tone in her voice. She'd sigh, then ask "have I told you yet today?" Sometimes I'd respond by explaining that she had already given me the message. Most of the time I'd impishly imply she hadn't. Then she would tilt her head, twinkle her eyes, and say "well I do." This is a ritual I have always held warmly in my heart.  To this day, remembering those tender moments when neither of us verbalized anything significant, I swell with nostalgia because I know a connection existed between us. I smile to myself at the idea that no words were ever necessary to convey my mother's love for me.

Right now, this memory seems the most appropriate way to begin what is a very bittersweet announcement for me. This, as you may know, began as a frivilous and infantile finger fidget for an angsty and unemployed post-grad. I sporadically provided humorously detailed accounts of the absurdly mundane, and  peevishly moaned about my seemingly catastrophic realities (they weren't).  Gradually, I found my voice in recounting lessons learned from less fortunate little ones. 

Oblivious to the irony, I felt so immature. It was like I had gotten stuck somewhere in my own development. The only way I could find to move myself along was to listen to these tragic tales of children in crisis or escaping duress. It seemed unfair that I, the world's youngest adult, was to help the world's oldest children. Clearly, they knew more about growing up than I did.  They had no choice but to take care of this obligation early on. Whereas I had been given all the time in the world simply to stall.

It wasn't until a few years in that I understood we were helping each other. As I noticed my emotional maturity grow, I realized this wasn't something you could force. I learned the importance of slowing down and meeting yourself where you are at. That's when I decided I didn't want to grow up, and I stubbornly dug my heels in the ground. I changed my blog. I embraced my inner Peter Pan.

That's the tone this has taken over the last year of weekly scheduled essays. Memoirs and stories have dictated my internal resistance of the never-ending drive to mature, and my outward embrace of a childish affection for life. It's been a kind of manual or cautionary tale for the coming of age. I can't even really describe just how important this has been to me. The people this has reached provided validation I didn't even know I needed. It was intended for me, but the support has been overwhelming. I appreciate that more than I can put into words.

So, it is with a heavy heart that I have decided to take a break from my routine. Don't worry, I'm not done here, nor do I ever think I will be. I love writing too much, and I enjoy the meaning others find in my words even more. However, I have recently realized I may be on the precipice of biting off more than I can chew. 

Approximately a year ago I posted a macabre satirical letter informing the powers that be of my bleak outlook. Surprisingly, I made it through that experience. In fact, not only did I survive, but I aced everything that came my way! This year, it's different. My outlook is hopeful, despite some majorly distressing obligations. That's why, I needed to really prioritze. 

The reality is, I'm almost done with grad school. I'm about to be through with my scholastic experience, and I will be embarking on a career. All in the next 6 months. This is huge! Honestly, there is a part of me, that's terrified. This part wants me to give up now, and hide in my bedroom like I did when I was less emotionally secure. However, if this last year has taught me anything it's this: The only way to truly erase fear is to face it head on. That's why I refuse to fail now.

Unfortunately, that means something has got to go. At least for now. So, after all that beating around the bush here's my plan:

I'm going to suspend Monday Musings. I refuse to give up completely. Leaving Neverland will still be up and running. If something comes to me, I'll write it down. If it seems appropriate, I'll intermittently post like I used to. However, for now I will be relieving the pressure of providing a half-prepared poorly thought out post each Monday evening. Those don't represent my true feelings, and that's not fair. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to you.

Until I return, you are more than welcome to review my archives, share thoughts in the comments, or send me messages. I will always attend to that because you are important to me.  As a matter of fact, have I told you yet today?

Thank you so much,
Mindy