The Essay

I learned on Friday that my grad school application has been moved on through the next step in the process.  They want me to come in for an interview.  I'm incredibly excited. I worked so hard on my essay, and put into it everything I could. This essay robbed me of time, and resulted in the return of some anxiety issues that I thought I had completely resolved.  Turns out, soaking myself of every fiber of my writing ability and desire to improve was worth it. Now would be a good time to share it with all of you (assuming there's any of you).  *You may recognize bits of it from a previous blog.

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One of the children I work with is a 4 year old boy.  He is the sweetest kid once you get to know him.  Unfortunately, because he is scary, many people do not get that chance. He scared me when I first met him, and I have known him to scare away countless reasonable adults.  His terrifyingly destructive, abusive, and assaultive tantrums frequently require three adults to contain. He exhibits a high anxiety level by chewing on his fingers, banging his head against walls, punching himself in the face, and falling to the ground with alarming power. He also perseverates.  He fixates on colors, objects, characters, stuffed animals, and insects. In the time I have known him, he has been obsessed with the color blue, spiders, fire trucks, and Spiderman.

His Spiderman fixation is of particular interest. He knows Spiderman’s crime fighting techniques, and frequently attempts to use them, as a coping mechanism, in every-day life.  However, aside from being an endearing way to manage his fears, this little boy is demonstrating some remarkable insight about his own condition.  Without knowing it, he has chosen the most appropriate superhero to identify with.

Spiderman is really just an ordinary person in a costume. He is fallible; with faults and strengths just like the rest of us. However, his body is capable of extraordinary things, it is astonishing, but it is also frightening. For Spiderman, these tasks are superhuman feats intended to scare away literal demons. For this little boy, they are superhuman tantrums that inadvertently scare away his caregivers. Spiderman copes with this ability by developing a costume which allows him to anonymously fight off assailants.  He hides behind a mask.  For this little boy, tantrums are his proverbial mask.

Undoubtedly, Spiderman does great things. He saves people, and helps improve the world.  Most love him, and celebrate his extraordinary ability while he hides behind his mask.  However, when the mask is gone he fails to stand out.  It is different for this child.  He does have a support system who loves him when he is not hiding behind his tantrum mask, but he cannot accept it.  In contrast, this boy’s mask isolates him. He frightens others and himself. He sees himself just as most people do.  They see him as being the  psychological demons he fights.

In my experience working with maltreated children and disadvantaged families, I have encountered a number of children like this little boy. These children are plagued with serious psychological afflictions.  They are tasked with the normal and expected stressors of being a kid and growing up in a complex world, but are also burdened with scary pasts, unstable homes, inconsistent caregivers, and disabling diagnoses. Things are not easy for these children. They release anxiety through harmful and destructive behaviors.  They seek care and nurturance by screaming and throwing chairs, and avoid strong feelings by intentionally ignoring those they can rely on. They attempt to tell you what they have been through by engaging in indiscriminant and sexualized behaviors.  

After everything that has happened to these children, they exhibit an alarming amount of insight and unwitting self-awareness. Whether it is the little boy I previously discussed, or the reactive four year-old who played out his attachment issues with me and explained “I don’t know how to like you,” these kids seem to know deep down, just how different they are. Not many people see that, but I do.

For nearly two years I have worked in the milieu as a Child Development Specialist (CDS) at Morrison Hand in Hand Day Treatment, and of the many things I have learned there is that I am good at this.  I am able to see kids for who they are, and not what they do. I approach my clientele from a developmental perspective, and find creative interventions to facilitate their success in a variety of situations. For example, the boy with the “Spiderman complex” often refused to clean up or participate in group activities until I suggested he sit on “the S for Spiderman” in the alphabet carpet.

Another one of my personal strengths is that I truly hear the children that I work with. I listen to their words, and I understand that they are trying to communicate what their limited life experience will not let them. I hear the five year old with PTSD and Fetal Alcohol Effects tell me “sometimes I say things, and then I say other things,” and I understand that when he says “it makes me feel mad at my brain” he has realized that he thinks differently than his peers do. In addition to the above mentioned strengths, I feel I possess a strong sense of empathy, compassion, and unique understanding towards those I work with.  

It is this ability to understand that has inspired me to pursue a career in the mental health field, as a therapist specializing in work with traumatized and attachment-challenged children. I have enjoyed the work I have done thus far immensely, but I feel that I can do more. I would like to further develop my knowledge of information pertaining to this field. It is my hope that a graduate degree in counseling will give me a comprehension of clinical models, and therapeutic interventions that I can implement in my future practice.  Another of the areas that I feel needs further development is my knowledge regarding available resources both universally and in the local community. I believe that studying counseling at Pacific University will guide me on this path, by affording me access to those resources, and helping me reach my goals.

Pacific offers courses which will bolster my comprehension with a strong knowledge of relevant theories, practices, and clinical models. By asking students to complete community internships, Pacific will also help me build upon the strong foundation of experience I have obtained thus far. I am particularly interested in this program because of the emphasis on evidenced-based practice.  This emphasis fits with my previous experience in the field and coincides with my belief that it is ethically wrong to offer treatment without the supporting facts of its effectiveness. I have a drive to learn, and have always sought out research regarding my clientele and proven supportive interventions. Currently, I attend a minimum of twice monthly trainings on a variety of topics such as attachment, adoptive processes, and the affects of drugs and alcohol in utero. Also, I regularly peruse the mental health section of book stores for supplemental knowledge. Also, in my work as a CDS, I have encountered numerous situations which have sparked a desire for education. 

One situation, in particular, seems especially applicable. After his entry into the program, one of my clients began to respond to my support and interactions erratically. He expressed an apparent preference by seeking me out often, turning down other staff, and calling out my name when I was unavailable.  When I was able to work with him, he reacted to my redirects and encouragement with an extreme level of aggression, dysregulation, and emotionality that was unlike his reactions to most adults in his life. It gradually increased to a point where I was unable to have any successful interactions with him, be they directive or non-directive. Because of this, I became curious about what particular process was causing such a distinct response.

 Of my own volition, I began to research early childhood attachment. What I found was a wealth of knowledge about Reactive Attachment Disorder in traumatized children.  I brought this information to the team – including, myself, a clinical manager, a psychiatrist, and several family therapists- and the diagnosis was applied to the child’s treatment plan.  I also used the information I obtained from case studies and academic research to implement rituals and routines which facilitated development of a more secure attachment.  Ultimately this helped the child to begin to overcome his reactivity towards me.

I believe the above scenario is just one example of why I am a match for this program, and will thrive with the continued education I know Pacific provides. It is rare that an individual is driven to work with such a daunting population, and many exhaust themselves and move on after a very short period of time.  I am unique in that I have grown through various positions, and remained interested in this particular group. I may be overwhelmed at times, but I find support in those I work with, and am always further inspired to learn more and help my clients overcome their disruptive and disabling psyches.  I enjoy working with these children, despite situations that can seem hopeless or overwhelming. I am aware that there are a limited number of resources available for such populations, and would like to help expand those resources by becoming an expert in this area.  It is my hope to be accepted to Pacific, so I can begin to realize this dream.