The Long-Wobbly Story

Location: My apartment
Mood: Irritated, Exhausted, & Confused

I wanted to take a minute out of my never neurotic (and hardly sarcastic) blog, to complain about a predicament I've found myself in. I'm annoyed right now.

The full story begins back in December, when I had two or three days of feeling dizzy.  I had several prolonged episodes of feeling as though I was moving, when I was clearly stationary. I attempted to ignore it, but started to get concerned when I experienced an apparent bending and contorting of the walls at work. Maybe it's just me, but I've always operated under the assumption that walls are supposed to remain where they are.

So, I did what I usually do when I'm curious, or don't want to deal with going to the doctor. I called Dr. Dad. I explained my symptoms to him, and he supposed that I had some sinus-related issue that was causing an inner ear problem.  He recommended allergy meds and decongestants.

Easy enough. Done.

Apparently this is the treatment for vertigo.

About two days later, things were not better. The dizziness was more frequent, and I was starting to get motion-sickness. It was akin to how I feel when I'm in the backseat of a car. Dr. Dad said I should probably call my Ear Nose & Throat (ENT) specialist. Turns out he didn't have openings until the end of January.  I didn't want to wait that long, so I saw his physicians assistant (PA) who determined that I had knocked some rocks around in my head (no seriously) and had benign positional vertigo. She basically moved my head & body around a bunch, put me on desk duty, and told me not to lay down for 48 hours.  It was irritating.

In the the following two days, I had an increase in dizziness. I basically always had that sensation you get when you're a passenger in a car that you've just realized was not stopped. Plus I was nauseous, and I would get added waves in which my own personal elevator lurched forward. According to friends and coworkers, I had lost all my coloring.  At the same time, I came down with something (no one is clear if it was related or not).  I had no appetite, no strength, and one of the worst sinus headaches of my life (this is saying something because I've had sinus surgery and subsequent post-operative headaches). I was so dizzy I worried about my ability to drive. The PA concluded that I had an infection (duh), which caused the vertigo. I apparently hadn't noticed the infection until this point because my history of chronic sinusitis had desensitized me to it.

YAY! Antibiotics and steroids!
Oh, right I'm trying not to be sarcastic.

Well, what we learned from all this is that I'm allergic to another antibiotic.  I broke out in the most uncomfortable rash. My skin was bright red, hot as hell, and stung all over. The PA hears this, and fears that despite my documented sensitivity to antibiotics I might also be allergic to steroids (a condition that's quite rare). She takes me off both medications. This would be fine, except that steroids are used to treat allergic rashes. It went out of control. I was itchy, stingy, and inflamed. Honestly, it was one of the worst feelings I've ever had.

Eventually, I was fortunate to catch a cancellation in my ENT's schedule. He agreed with the infection diagnosis. However, he felt that it was in my ears. It had caused inflammation and mucus in my sinuses and eustachian tubes. His two week treatment decreased, but did not eradicate the dizzy spells (which seemed to be made worse by certain sounds...weird right?). Also, I had begun to experience some fullness and ringing in my ears. Thinking it was an incredibly stubborn infection we did another round. My condition did not improve with the second round.

After a CT, and finding no abnormalities we both threw up our hands.  He told me he wanted to get a fresh look at it.  In his office, we talked about my experiences, I picked my right leg up, I picked my left leg up, he shook me all about, we did the hokey pokey, I turned myself around. That's pretty much what it was all about.

In the end, it was determined that I have an atypical presentation of Meniere's Disease. He put me on a diuretic, and told me to cut down on salt as much as possible. I was mad, but he's a good doctor so I complied.

You guys, I actually got better. If I were writing this last week, I would tell you that I'm down to one or two very (max of 5 seconds) brief episodes a day.

You'll notice I'm not writing this last week.

On Monday, I noticed I was light-headed and very sensitive to positional changes, especially going from kneeling/squatting to standing. This is problematic as I work with disturbed preschoolers. It's like an aerobic catholic mass (i.e. stand up, sit down, kneel, stand, jump, run, sit, squat, stand, turn). On Tuesday, I was really light-headed. More so on Wednesday, and was disturbed that standing on a stool triggered a head rush.  Dr. Dad said to call my ENT.

Early this morning, I had briefly squatted to get something out of a box, and then stood at a normal pace. It caused a head rush so intense I had to sit down, and feared I might vomit. I remained nauseous for 10 minutes following it.  I called my doctor.

Now, I have told you ALL of that to illustrate my journey towards complete frustration. My ENT wants me to get my blood drawn again, and to take some kind of supplement that I've never heard of

I want to cry. I'm tired of this shit. I'm confused.  My equilibrium is failing me, but otherwise I feel healthy. I've changed my diet. I can't afford to spend all this time, energy, and money on such a stupid little thing. I'm exhausted (figuratively and literally). I'm sick of medication side effects, and I want this to be done.

To top this all off, I'm starting to doubt my mind.  My parents mean well, but they keep posing that it's a result of, and exacerbated, my worrying.  I don't feel like I'm stressed about it. I just want to be better. However, I do talk about it with them quite a bit. Maybe that means I am overly worried about it?

I don't even know.  Should I just abandon all treatment and hope for the best? I want to, but then I remember how I felt before, and it caused me to seek treatment. I know that dizziness and head rushes happen normally.  I think the ones I'm experiencing right now are more intense than those experienced by the general population, but now I can't be sure.

Am I a hypochondriac? Have I created an illness out of nothing? Or is there really something there?

I just don't have the answers.

Describing My Outlook

Location: Yoga Studio
Mood: Contemplative

I'm learning new things about myself each and every day. Lately I've been learning that I love when something has a simplistic beauty about it.

In my Yin class tonight, the instructor recited poetry while we meditated. I never thought I would be much for this. In fact, I mentally resisted it for a while. A lot of it seemed too... (what's the word?) ...carefree for me. However, at one point she was reciting a poem, and I was internally mocking the experience. I know, I shouldn't be that way, because it is profoundly supportive for some. It just tends not to be for myself. Anyway, she's reciting this poem, and for some reason one of the stanzas pulled me out of my mental block and spun me on my axis. The stanza was:

"Union can't be forced,

won't be one by fighting."

I believe the original intent, was for us to think of this in terms of our body struggling with the pose. However, It rang true for me, and as I thought about it the stanza resounded. It is deeply simple, yet truthfully beautiful. Also, it's interpretation extends to a wide variety of circumstances. For me it, gave words to my previously indescribable outlook on a number of situations in my life. In some, the interpretation is surprisingly literal, and in others it continues to be accurate in a metaphorical sense.

I was unaware of it, but this is how I wish everyone felt. I'm not about persuading people to want what they don't, or converting them to believe what they can't. I think disagreements are a necessary part of life, but fighting back never fully solves an issue. It will cause a rift in relationships that, while it may heal, will always leave a scar.

I wish people in my world, and the world beyond it could learn to coexist with their difference. I'm not expecting people to embrace each other for being dissimilar, but acceptance would be ideal. Currently I'm attempting to learn that what's important to me may not be important to others, and vice versa, and accept it. There is so much in this world that we don't know. It's easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and forget that.

Reasons Not to Help People

Location: Hawthorne District
Mood: Affronted

The Walgreen's in my hometown called me right away when my medications were ready. So naturally, the lack of a call from my new local Walgreen's led me to believe that my prescriptions were not ready. It had been a while, so I called this morning, and they informed me that it was indeed ready and had been for some time.

So, tonight I'm on my way home from my weekly night at my parent's house, and I swing by Walgreen's to pick up my prescription that should have been ready on Monday. As the attendant hands me my prescription I casually ask if my number was correct in the system. It is.

"How come I didn't receive a call?" I ask. The woman responds that it can take up to 3 days for a call to go out, and if I absolutely "have to know immediately" I am required to sign up for text-messaging alerts. So, I explain to her that I pay for my text messages. The woman shrugs in response, and indicates that she does not care about my financial woes. I don't blame her. Why should she? Then, out of pure curiosity, I ask why I used to get called immediately when I frequented the Gresham location.

Wow! You would not believe the attitude! It was like I had grossly offended her with my curiosity. She steps back and says "well, you know we put out over a hundred of these a day!" What I wanted to do was inform her that:
1.) I had not taken offense with the company policy
2.) I had not asked her what the branch productivity was and
3.) She needs a customer service refresher.
Instead, I just smiled sympathetically, thanked her for her time, and walked away. 

As I ventured out and through the rain drenched parking lot, I heard a bang and some crunching sounds.  When I looked over my shoulder to investigate, I discovered a crazy elderly woman driving her Buick station wagon directly into a shopping cart. No, she didn't side swipe it, or grace it backing out of her spot.  She quite literally drove the front end right into it, and continued to drive for about 5 seconds. When she stopped, I figured I'd be a good Samaritan and assist her.

I approached, and moved the cart for her, as she very slowly attempted to get out of the vehicle. Once out, she walked around to the back of her car and surveyed it. I'm not entirely sure what for, as the impact was clearly on the front driver side corner. She then walked around to the passenger side of the car, looked at it, and looked around while I quietly pushed the cart over to the side walk. Not sure what she was doing, I stood on the curb and watched for a moment. Coming to no solution, I attempted to make my way to my own car, all the while going unacknowledged by this crazy old bat. When she returned to the rear driver side she looked up. I smiled responsively at her and waved. I mean, what else was I going to do? 

I know what you're expecting here. Obviously she gushed over how sweet and magnanimous I was. She clearly noted how amazing it was to have a world with people like me who are willing to help a little lady, and not ask for anything in return. She then explained to me that she is a quadjillionaire, and offered to pay for my upcoming grad school tuition, and buy me a house. Also, she has a handsome single doctor grandson who she wants to set me up with. Perfect!

Surprisingly, that's not how it went. I know, I know...calm down.

In reality, the woman glared at me as if I was some nefarious teenager causing havoc in my neighborhood just for shits and giggles. It was like she thought I had pushed something into her car. She watched me with her angry expression as I walked to my own car. It was so unsettling that I immediately locked the door, and clutched my phone in case I should need to call the authorities. Eventually, she got back in her car and drove off. (This is the part where I would make the lackluster sitcom flop noise "wah wah," but you can't hear it. So, it doesn't translate).

Seriously though...what is the world coming to? Why are people so needlessly cranky?

Is This What Carole King Meant?

Location: Home
Mood: sad

On Friday, the world population had a game-changing experience. Our planet moved, and reminded us just how precariously placed our existence is.

For those of you who are completely oblivious, I'm talking about the 8.9 earthquake, and subsequent 20 ft tsunami in Japan. I've had a number of reactions to it. Initially my reaction was one of "holey-shit" proportions.  I then clutched the news with all my might, and used it to help ease my own anxieties about a Grad School interview.  Hearing about this event helped me to put things into perspective. Yes, getting my masters is important, but, in the grand scheme of things, a failure to achieve acceptance is less than that. Surprisingly, listening to the radio talk about the frighteningly massive waves that were headed for my state, helped me to relax. Instead of thinking that botching this experience would be the worst thing ever, I thought "this isn't so bad."

Later, I breathed a sigh of relief as most of Oregon classified the experience as "a drill." As my own stress eased, I took a less egotistical look at the catastrophe. I turned my gaze on the news (or lack thereof) coming from Japan. I found images of a real life whirlpool, and heard news of missing trains that undoubtedly carried the hundreds of geographic sight-seers to the bottom of the ocean in a suffocatingly sealed metal box. The death toll numbers being reported continue to be terrifying.  Surely, no one event could wipe out that many lives?  But it has, and entire cities have lost contact with the rest of the planet. Then I learned of the nuclear reactors that are posing a new threat to society.  Now, I can't not think about it.

Historically, I've had my battles with anxiety and overly-worrisome thought processes. Things like this don't help. Sure, it puts my normal every day concerns into perspective, but it also reminds me just how much there is to be terrified of.

All my life I've heard about how the Pacific Northwest is overdue for "the big one." This has just been something I've heard and known about.  I've never given it too much thought, because to really consider it is overwhelming.  I always knew it would be bad, but watching the Japanese quake and the fallout from afar, has been alarming. I can't help but feel like I'm walking on a tight-rope that could at any moment give way. The earth has become this menacing demon looming over us.  I place Us on a metaphorical web with a starving carnivorous spider nearing. I look around at all the potentially awful ways to be destroyed, and my heart pounds faster.

I have always loved the scenery of my home, and spent a day this weekend reveling in an experience that brings me back to my childhood. I ventured up my mountain, and quietly rode the chair lift through enormous and beautiful evergreens.  I peacefully skied down hills covered in thick and calming snow the day following an avalanche in a nearby area. I was overcome with how wonderfully pleasing the experience was, but also how potentially catastrophic it could be. At any moment, Nature, could take a turn. The wind could knock loose an avalanche, and pull me down with it. A tree could reach it's lifespan, and fall across the chords that pull me further up the active volcano. The earth could open up and cover us all in molten hot magma.

I know I'm being a bit dramatic. However, I can't help but acknowledge how truly unsafe this world is, and how frighteningly it could come to an end at any moment.

Anticipating Summer

Location: Apartment
Mood: Restless

Usually I don't care that much about summer. Don't get me wrong. I like it, but I'm not completely enamored with it like most of my peers are.  I have a number of theories to explain it.

 I think it has a lot to do with how pale, and therefore sensitive to sunburns, I am. I spend a lot of my summertime indoors because any extended time (and by this I mean about 15 minutes) in the sun equals guaranteed discomfort the next day.

I also think a lot of it has to do with my childhood.  Historically, summer has been the most active time of year for my family. It's bike racing season. Until very recently bike racing has been synonymous with my surname in the state of Oregon. When I was a child, my parents were at ALL OF THEM.  This means, I was at all of them. I actually have some very fond memories of suffering in the back seat as I shared space with my two older siblings and the entire OBRA collection of race gear.  Eventually, we grew, and OBRA (i.e. my parents) accumulated so much gear that it was borderline abusive to shove us into such a confined space. So, OBRA/my parents bought a trailer, and we got some leg room.

Wow, did I get sidetracked reminiscing.  My point was, that as a child when my school friends and neighbors were out exploring the nearby creek, or visiting the beach with each others' families I was reading Archie Comics and Animorphs under a sun tent at Alpenrose Velodrome, or playing on massive dirt piles in a criterium parking lot. As I matured, I began to express my distaste for attending bike races, and my parents allowed me to stay home. However, I wasn't sure what to do with my time.

Another of my theories for my lack of summer enthusiasm was my physique.  I've never been in great shape, and I've always been rather insecure about my body in a bathing suit. This is because of a combination of lack of toned muscles and my day-glow white skin which is blinding when exposed to direct sunlight. Really I stay indoors for you people.

Despite all of these factors, and probably several more that I can't think of,  I awoke this morning to a stream of warmth and light from my window.  It immediately conjured images of bathing suits, rivers, beach houses, warm days of reading in the park, and cool hikes in the Gorge.  Needles to say, I wanted summer.

Also, I've decided that I'd like to have a summer crush this year. Where can I get one of those?  Do you just post an advertisement at your local coffee shop?

Attachment

Location: My apartment
Mood: Creative

I'm here.
I'm gone.
I'm back.
We bond.

I smile.
You calm.
You cry.
I Nurture.
We trust

You hurt.
I love.
I teach.
You learn.
We grow.

Childish Fantasy

Location: My Apartment
Mood: Exhausted
Watching: Chaos Theory

There's something about children that is so beautifully honest. They are who they are, even when they don't want to be. They don't understand this world, yet they keep trying to navigate it.

Watching them struggle reminds me how complex everything truly is. It's so easy to get stressed out or frazzled because it's tax season, your medical bills are too big, or your car insurance is expired. We forget that even the most basic aspects of life are hard. For adults, overcoming basic stressors actually limits the ability to enjoy the world.

Children don't have that problem. Sure, they cry because they miss their mommies, or they're tired, but they giggle when we rip paper. They experience pure joy when they run against the wind. Swing sets are peaceful, and doing a silly dance makes walking to the bathroom more fun. A hug from the right adult makes them feel wanted and improves their mood.

Sometimes I wish I was still 6 years old. I wish it were acceptable for me to whine and stomp my feet when I don't like the answer I've gotten from my mechanic. I'd like for people to cut me some slack if I begin to sob uncontrollably because I'm too tired to be in the grocery store. And after a particularly tough day, it'd be nice to be picked up and carried around.

Then, in my free time, I'll jump on my bed, build a tree fort with my neighbors, color a picture for my mom, incessantly ask my dad absurd questions, and dance to silence with my brother. It all sounds wonderfully appealing sometimes.